More pictures... :)

Hi!!
Here lately I've been reminded and humbled while remembering how blessed we truly are and how amazing this journey has been. I was looking back at some pictures during my pregnancy and it just hit...how God's hand doesn't ever let go...ever. I thought I'd just share a few pictures. :)

 

Debated on posting this but...what the heck...Selah's in that big tummy!

I didn't want this to be "too much" but it was such a personal and   tender moment...thinking of our hopes and dreams...trying to not let the uncertainty consume us...trying to enjoy this sweet experience.

One of the first pictures taken of Selah...oh how God has protected this sweet girl!

 Another one of the first pictures of Selah...she looks so fragile...she is far from it though!

First time she got to wear clothes...she wasn't a fan of getting them on...or off :)

One of first family pictures...in the UMC NICU

First days after we arrived home...she's probably just as unsure of what's going on as we were

Few months old and much more alert

Five months old and actually beginning to "tolerate" her hearing aid...I got a smile

Six months old...she's a big girl now...and yes, she's naked!!

Family picture...thankful for these moments

Thank you for your love and continued support and prayers! Much love to you!!!

Special Moment

On Sunday, September 18th we were able to celebrate Selah's baby dedication at our church here in Hattiesburg. It was a special day...a longed for and prayed for moment. For a long while now I've sat in the audience and watched the family on stage while they celebrated their baby dedication. I would be thankful for their celebration but at the same time my heart would break for the two miscarriages we've had and the shattered dreams and hopes that came along with those experiences. My heart would ache for the family and baby we've wanted and I would sit there, fighting back tears, silently asking God if we would ever be "the family on the stage"...having that moment...that celebration. Well, we were blessed to share that moment and we are truly thankful and humbled. Now, I have to give you a little recap of the morning of. We fed Selah very early hoping that all the vomit she does would come up and be done with before the service...due to her reflux. We took her in nothing but her diaper so she didn't soak her clothes if she spit up...so we had our "fashion show" in the car when we got there...trying to decide what to wear. We brought her headband/bow but forgot her shoes. She managed to get hold of her headband though and unraveled some of it...under her daddy's watch :). We made it though...on time! It was a special moment seeing Jeff...our pastor...hold her and pray over her too. He came to see her when she was in the UMC NICU and he prayed over her...they also have the same birthday...so he says they have a special bond. She did so good...no vomit. The verse we've claimed over her and the one she and I read daily now was the verse read. We stood there and I tried to take it all in instead of trying to have it all "together"...to take in the moment...to just be in awe of the grace that's gotten us here.
On that note, I was in the car shortly after her dedication and a song that is such a blessing came on K-LOVE. It's by David Crowder..."Oh How He Loves"...I think. There's a line or two that really sticks out and resonates in my mind quite often..."Oh how He loves...and all of the sudden I am aware of all the afflictions eclipsed by glory...oh how He loves"... There's been several times where God has spoken through these words but on this day He spoke specific to Selah and the dedication and being able to celebrate that moment. From the beginning of the pregnancy it was uncertain how things would go...at least to us it was...not Him. At delivery it was uncertain as to how it will all work out. Now as we face daily things and as I look into the future...surgeries, her health and development, how it will all work out...it seems uncertain. But, when I stop and think and listen to Him I am reminded that none of it is uncertain to Him. He reminded me of the many "afflictions eclipsed by glory" that have occured and still are...things that could've happened but haven't, blessings all around us. All of the sudden my awareness of them was awakened...wake up Blair. For example, her reflux has been really bad...or so it seems. Despite it though she isn't aspirating and she hasn't gotten pneumonia...she's staying healthy, gaining weight, and she's at home instead of having to be in the hospital...an affliction eclipsed by His glory and goodness, His grace... I hope this makes sense????
So, all that to say, we are so thankful for where we are at right now in all of it. Yes, my faith and hope fade at times and my strength definitely does. But again, God reminds me to rest in Him, to "cease striving," and to be thankful by faith and trust...He has got it...
A verse I read the other day really stuck out, specific to this topic. I'm going to share how He spoke to me and I hope it makes sense...
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights" Habakkuk 3:17-19
....though circumstances are uncertain and how things will work out are unseen...God provides...though things aren't going according to "my" plans or all as I would have it...God calls me to be thankful in faith and trust and joy and peace then reside in me...we will not be consumed or overwhelmed in any of it and we will not be defeated...He is holding us and His hand is on us....He calls us to enjoy the sweet moments along the way....:)

Much Love to you!!!

Arrival Delayed

Odd title...I know...I will attempt to explain...
I have come to realize...yet again...that life isn't fair, that I will not ever "arrive" at a place in my life where it's all figured out, where I can fix it all, where I can rest and be comfortable and it all be just as I've planned or like, or where I will ever naturally be thankful in ALL things. It's as if this is news to me...imagine that...to realize that I haven't arrived at "letting go" and surrendering my ways to our Heavenly Father. With each season of life in this story and in this journey God is weaving together, I am learning that it is an ongoing series of "lessons" and growing experiences and opportunities to trust God and obey in faith...each step of the way...moment by moment. "One day" it will make sense, there will be an answer to the unanswered questions, it will all fit together...one day...
I found myself at a place of finally surrendering and letting go and experiencing peace, grace,  and restoration during Spencer's deployment and during our pregnancy and the arrival of Selah. I guess I thought I had "let go" so that was it...it took care of all the other seasons in life...yeah right. My eyes have been opened yet again...
Selah is doing well...such an answered prayer! She is staying healthy but is having trouble with reflux...for a while now. It seems to be getting worse with each day. She is vomiting daily at least one but usually all of her feeds up. We are trying meds, adding rice to the milk, keeping her upright...all we know to do...with the help of a compassionate pediatrician. Despite all these remedies, they are unsuccessful. We have concerns because of her trach and keeping the vomit out of her lungs so that she doesn't aspirate or get pneumonia. It is scary for her and myself. She is staying healthy thus far though...no aspiration or pneumonia...thankfully. However, thoughts and feeling like I am doing everything I can and yet it is a failure...I am a failure... consume my mind and I can't help but feel defeated, overwhelmed, helpless....
There are opportunitites available now for Selah to be taken care of and to give me some rest...one in our special needs nursery at our church and one in a Mother's Day Out program for special needs children at a local church. Both of these opportunities involve qualified and loving servants. Despite this though, I am still not "able" to leave her. My mind whirls with all these scenarios of what could go wrong and I have not found the ability or peace to "let go" and try...
Now, in both of these circumstances God has been speaking to me. He is teaching me that yet again my arrival to having it fixed or figured out or wanting to be thankful when I don't like things is...delayed. I don't have it all together and I can NOT keep it all together...I am not strong enough too. He is teaching me that I am to call out to Him, to trust Him, to thank Him if it is all going well or even if it isn't...to rely on His strength. He is teaching me that yet again, I am to "cease striving" and I am to surrender...let go...and rest in knowing He has got it! I came across the verse in Psalms again the other day..."Selah's verse" :). I read it to her daily and it's just become familiar I guess. But, one day some of the words jumped out at me and got my attention..."He knit me together in my mother's womb"...God used these words to remind me that just as He reassured me that He formed all of her in the womb, He formed all of her now...He is aware of the reflux, of her body, of all of it. Now, I may not understand it or like it but that doesn't change that He is aware...He made her....
I am learning that this is now a new season in our story...a new part of our journey. God is teaching me that no matter what season I am in or what one I am coming out of or going into, there is always going to be an "arrival" of sorts, a growing experience, a refining processing...getting rid of what God sees needs to go and strengthing what He sees needs to stay. Now, it is up to me whether or not I go along with His ways and yield...let go of my ways...surrender and trust....OR...fight it, complain and worry about and strive to fix it and in the end up feeling overwhelmed, defeated, helpless....
This is something that I am learning and thankful that God is willing to help me grow in. I pray and hope that it makes sense to you and that it is His words that resonate. There is a verse in scripture that is one of my favorites. It is one that I claim in the things that just don't make sense, in the things that leave me asking "why," in the unanswered questions....one day though it will be known...if we know Him...  
"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully..." I Corinthians 13:12


We do appreciate your support and love so much more than you know...thank you!!!

Everyone Has A Story

Hi,
I recently had a less than pleasant encounter...due to me...with a Walgreens employee and there was a lessoned to be learned from it. God has been impressing on me to share what He is trying to teach me through it.
As I mentioned in the previous blog, I haven't been venturing out too much, and definitely not solo. A little bit ago though I left Selah and Spencer home napping while I decided I'd "hurry" to Walgreens to try to print some of the pictures we got taken. So, I am on a "mission" and intending to get to Walgreens and to be uninterrupted so I can decide which pictures and sizes I want to print...and then to get home with my mission accomplished. I make it there ready and armed with my memory card, flashdrive, and CD. I hurriedly walk to the back of the store to the picture kiosk. I start but quickly realize that the kiosk will not accept my flash drive...first "hitch" in my plan. I then try my memory card and it will not stay in the slot...I checked to make sure it was the correct one...second hitch in my plan. My frustration is starting to increase...my time is being wasted I think to myself. I quickly move over to the other kiosk...before anyone decides to get on it. I see it also won't accept my USB but it will take and hold my memory card and CD...not a complete success but it will have to do. So, I get my pictures loaded and prep to pick out the sizes and pictures I want...all while I am glancing at my clock repeatedly to see how I'm doing on time. I begin looking at my pictures and have a sense of relief, since my mission is becoming a success...or so I think. A Walgreens employee, who works in the picture department, walks by and I ask her a question about packages and sizes. She looks up at the kiosk and my pictures and immediately says that I cannot print my pictures. SAY WHAT...now here's where I am ashamed to say that I was less than considerate. She proceeds to calmly explain that the pictures appear professional and that they have to have a copyright statement in hand from the person that took them saying they "release" the pictures to me to print. ....ok, stay with me :)
Now I have to make a reference to a term that we commonly use and more often than not applies to me...NASTY...My first year in the school system I was assigned to the cafeteria for morning breakfast duty...with junior high age to add to that. Now this early in the morning the kiddos are not pleasant to begin with. Add to that...they were expected to come in silently and remain silent while eating quickly and getting to class...yeah right! So, every morning the same group would give me trouble and one day I told a "repeat offender" to sit down and keep her mouth shut or to throw her breakfast away and to head to class. She proceeded to stand up, place her hand on her hip, and to cock her head to the side in a sassy way, and she exclaimes...with attitude..."you're so nasty." Now, I was not dirty, stinky, etc. so I don't believe she meant nasty like that :). She meant I was rude and putting a cramp in her style, so to speak. Well, I came home and told Spencer that and my family and the term has stuck. So, as I mentioned earlier, I'm often told by Spencer or my family to "stop being nasty." Ok, now back to the Walgreens story...
So, Walgreens gal...I know her name but will keep it confidential...proceeds to explain the copyright information. I don't even let her finish before I began rudely interuppting her by exclaiming that these pictures were taken in my home, on my "freaking"...yes I said that...couch. I continued to loudly exclaim that I don't ever get out and that I actually have time and they won't help me or let me print my pictures...all I want to do is print my pictures I exclaim. Wow, drama queen...to put it politely. Now Walgreens gal manages to remain calm and professional throught my rant...that is amazing! She lets me get it out and then says that I can pick the pictures out and print them and that they could hold them until I brought the copyright statement...get this...she then offers to help me pick out sizes and a package. I calm a little but am still extremely agitated. She helps me look at the pictures but the kiosk begans freezing and we have to "retry" loading the pictures three times...what hitch is this in my plan/mission...lost count. While we are waiting on the pictures to load she begins to ask about Selah and what all is going on with her. She then tells me about her son and some special needs and complications he has had. Now, despite having her identify some with me and having her willing to share her story, I am still wrapped up in what I want to do and only what I want to do and that is my mission. The kiosk continues to freeze and another customer comes up to the counter so she goes to assist them. I decide to just hang it up for the day and to leave...thinking to myself about all the wasted time I spent there. I do offer her a brief apology and thank you for her help but then I rush off...I don't have any more time to waste I think to myself. As I walk out I pass the manager and stop him to let him know that despite my rude behavior his Walgreens gal remained polite and professional. He looked at me a bit shocked and just responded "ok, cool." With my time at Walgreens being more than exceeded I hurriedly head out the door and jump into my vehicle....now for the lesson...
I get into my vehicle and start it up. My radio was turned up and tuned to K-Love...a Christian radio station. The guy was finishing up what he was saying but the last bit of his words spoke SO loudly and stuck out...he said that everyone has some sort of trial and story and you never know what they may be going through so..."be kind to everyone you meet"...OUCH...WOW!!! God spoke and boy did I feel awful, filthy...who did I think I was and how do I think I have the right to act in the way I did. I asked God to forgive me and only by HIS grace did He continue to speak...it's not my time, my mission, my purpose that is important. What if the whole purpose in me going into Walgreens that day was to meet Walgreens gal...to invest time in her and her story and to share mine with her...to share the hope and peace I have and why I have it. What if this was a "divine appointment" that I missed out and totally blew just because I wasn't aware...available...approachable....
Ok, so I hope and pray that the lesson I learned and am still learning makes sense???? I hate to even share this because I can be so NASTY...so imperfect. Thankfully God does teach and in His grace does try to refine us along the way, through each of these experiences...oh how I need it...

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14

Adventures

So, just thought I'd fill you in on how we are and what we've been up to. We are good...tired but good :). Selah is staying healthy and growing...as you can see in the pictures. We weigh in at the doctor this next week but her last weigh in she was 10lbs, 12 oz. She's been having some reflux (spit up) over the past few weeks so we're trying to adjust her feeds to see if we can decrease that. I know babies spit up but I get scared because I don't want it going down her trach (airway, lungs, etc). Other than that she's good. She is a fun baby..silly like her daddy and tempermental like her mommy...can I get an Amen from those of you who truly know me :). We are in the process of trying to figure out where we might meet with Craniofacial Teams for her surgery. We are looking at Dallas, Arkansas, and Birmingham. We're just praying doors open and close where they need to and that we just see God's hand leading us in His direction.
So...according to the title of this blog I promised some information on our recent adventures. Let me start by saying that we require an additional amount of "stuff" when we venture out...seven bags I believe...her diaper bag, emergency kit bag, suction equipment bag, monitor (heart rate, oxygen), feeding pump, milk bag, and my bag with pumping equipment...plus her car seat and stroller. So, those are our "routine" items for when we decide to take an adventure out. Now onto the adventures...
When Spencer is home we now try to get errands done. I will ride in the back with her in order to keep eyes and hands on her...readily available to act...keep her from pulling on her trach, in case she spits up and needs to be suctioned, etc. So we tag-team it when he's home. We haven't had Selah out in the public, except for a doctor's appointment, until here recently. We talked to our pediatrician though and he recommended going ahead and starting to get out with her. Her first public outing was to the chinese restaurant...so mom and dad could get some sushi...thankfully that was a smooth time. Since that went well we decided to give church a try. We have missed being there and were ready to go as a family. We got ready and had her in her "Sunday best" and loaded in the car when the spit up began. She soaked her dress and required and unexpected and rushed wardrobe change...in addition to the fact that we were concerned about her being okay..so a bit of a tiring and eventful start. Then we were on the way to church when I realized I didn't have her matching head band or bib...to the newly changed dress...to which daddy said "it will be okay" but mommy knew how crucial it was to making the outfit, lol. We made it though and what a blessing it was...an answered prayer...to bring her to church...to come as a family with the precious baby we prayed for. So, those have been our two adventures with the three of us. Now...just the two of us...
 Spencer is balancing a lot between the firehall, military, and tile work and he is having to be gone a lot. For the most part Selah and I have been hanging out at the house. We have some visitors and her therapists that come into the home but mostly it's the girls...plus the "boys" aka dogs. All that to say...Selah and I haven't ventured out on our own yet. I have been concerned about it because I am not in the back seat with eyes and hands on her. But, Spencer is having to be gone so much here lately and will continue to be over the next few weeks...so I recently decided to give it a try. My brave and confident spirit stems from six consecutive days without leaving the house or without having any visitiors. I prayed about it and gave myself a pep talk and to my suprise a newfound peace and confidence filled me...I also was stir crazy. :) So, Selah and I set out...not too far now...to the closest McAlister's...about 10 miles away. We made it there and back safely...thankfully. To my suprise, the only mishap is that when loading her carseat...less than gracefully...I pulled her tubing to the feeding pump under the car seat...therefore the tubing became disconnected from her g tube extension...what that all means is the milk no longer went into her g tube and into her stomach but instead through the tube and into the bottom of the car seat and onto my seats. Not only did I not give sweet Selah her feed but I also drenched Phoebe (my 4runner) with what Spencer lovingly refers to as "hooter milk"...hope that's not too crude...:). I have to say though that other than that it was a nice outing and it was refreshing...got a taste of it...so we'll see what's next. :)
Now this is just too funny that I have to share...funny now that I am looking back. A few weeks ago Spencer was gone to Jackson for a week. His mom (Donna) came down for two nights to stay...thankfully. We had a nice visit and it was uneventful. On the morning that she was going to head home though...oh me! I was getting Selah started with her seven a.m. feed when a loud bang on the front door scared me. At the same time, literally, she began projectile vomitting...streams of repeated vomit...coming out of her nose. So, I am hearing the door and at the same time trying to stop her feeding pump and running across the house to her room to get the suction equipment. I, needless to say, was terrified at the amount of vomit that was coming out and was trying to keep it from going down her trach. I must also add that the dogs are going crazy because of the knock at the door...which I still hadn't answered. I yelled for Donna and she went to the door...it was the pest man...he was going to spray outside. Now, our security system was still in alarm mode from the night before so it goes off...extremely loud. But, I am oblivious to it as I am tending to Selah..who is continuing to vomit. His mom gets the pest man taken care of and comes to assist me...it took two of us. For about and hour and half Selah vomitted...projectile and streams of it coming out of her nose...it was traumatizing for all of us...she cried and I cried but Donna was calm...thankfully. In the middle of this we hear another loud knock on the door and this time it was the sheriff. In the midst of caring for Selah I ignored my ringing phone...which was the security people from when the alarm went off. Since I didn't answer they sent out the law enforcement. So, Donna, standing in her bath robe with her bed head...but still beautiful...had to explain in a hurry so she could get back to helping me. I also need to add that the dogs, who haven't been let outside yet, are still going crazy because of another knock at the door. Donna got that taken care of and rushed back to help me. A few hours later the vomitting had calmed down along with our nerves. I talked to the doctor and we got a "plan" in motion. Selah recovered, as did I, and we survivedour first "tummy bug."
Well...not sure if that's as entertaining to you as it has been for us...:). I just wanted to share a little of what we've been up to here lately. During these recent adventures and in our moments throughout our days at home, God has reminded me to laugh...at myself, at the circumstances, at each other, and to not be so serious and intense...oh, I can get wound tight too. God's protected us along the way and I do have to say it's good to laugh and see that in all of it there are blessings....thank you for your prayers and support!
Much Love!!!

More Pics...:)

We had a sweet friend come over and take some pictures...what fun it was!! Just wanted to share a few...

Change In Plans

Hi,
We've been doing good...Selah is getting bigger and staying healthy. It is time for me to post some more pics...if I can remember how. :) So, there's been a big change in plans. We had her first phase of the jaw distraction surgery scheduled for this coming Monday, July 25. The surgery has been cancelled though. We got a call from a nurse at the surgery clinic and she informed us that one of the doctors involved in the surgery is no longer employed at UMC. This doctor would have performed the surgery with one other doctor, who is still at UMC. Without them working together though the surgery isn't possible. The clinic is hoping to have another specialist join them in the fall but they aren't certain. So we are not sure what we will do from here. We are going to look at other locations with Craniofacial Surgery teams and just see what we find. We're praying for doors to open and close where they need to and for us to know God's leading in what to do.
 I do have to admit that when we found out the surgery was cancelled I was relieved...for many reasons. I know that the sooner we begin the surgical process that the sooner we will move towards hopefully opening up her airway and eventually hoping to remove the trach. But...I just hate the thought of having her go through more hospital stays and the pain and risks involved. We've had good experiences with UMC and the doctors we've seen but I wasn't sure about proceeding with the surgery there. The craniofacial "team" involved in this surgery is small and hasn't performed a jaw distraction on a severe a case of Micrognathia as Selah has or on a child as young as her. I know they are competent and knowledgeable doctors but I do want them to have more experience with this procedure under their belt...specific to the severity of her case and her young age. I had been wanting to seek second opinions. I just had been praying about a peace about proceeding with the surgery and I haven't had it. I've dreaded it and the upcoming surgery date has been "looming" over me. I've just not had a good feeling...deep in the pit of my stomach. I didnt know if it was a true lack of peace or just fear of the surgery and all it entails for Selah. So, I've had faithful prayer warriors praying on our behalf too and it does seem that this door has closed...at least I believe it has. So, we are just praying and asking for God to lead us in His way. For now we are enjoying having Selah home and all the sweet moments with her. We value your prayers and support so much....thank you! Much love!!!
"And without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone that comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6... After we found out about the surgery cancellation I tried to take some time with God. I prayed and asked him to let us see his hand at work and where he is leading. He led me to this verse and spoke to me that if we keep truly seeking him in faith and trying to obey and trust (earnestly) that he will take care of it all...he is faithful!