Sunday, September 25, 2011

Special Moment

On Sunday, September 18th we were able to celebrate Selah's baby dedication at our church here in Hattiesburg. It was a special day...a longed for and prayed for moment. For a long while now I've sat in the audience and watched the family on stage while they celebrated their baby dedication. I would be thankful for their celebration but at the same time my heart would break for the two miscarriages we've had and the shattered dreams and hopes that came along with those experiences. My heart would ache for the family and baby we've wanted and I would sit there, fighting back tears, silently asking God if we would ever be "the family on the stage"...having that moment...that celebration. Well, we were blessed to share that moment and we are truly thankful and humbled. Now, I have to give you a little recap of the morning of. We fed Selah very early hoping that all the vomit she does would come up and be done with before the service...due to her reflux. We took her in nothing but her diaper so she didn't soak her clothes if she spit up...so we had our "fashion show" in the car when we got there...trying to decide what to wear. We brought her headband/bow but forgot her shoes. She managed to get hold of her headband though and unraveled some of it...under her daddy's watch :). We made it though...on time! It was a special moment seeing Jeff...our pastor...hold her and pray over her too. He came to see her when she was in the UMC NICU and he prayed over her...they also have the same birthday...so he says they have a special bond. She did so good...no vomit. The verse we've claimed over her and the one she and I read daily now was the verse read. We stood there and I tried to take it all in instead of trying to have it all "together"...to take in the moment...to just be in awe of the grace that's gotten us here.
On that note, I was in the car shortly after her dedication and a song that is such a blessing came on K-LOVE. It's by David Crowder..."Oh How He Loves"...I think. There's a line or two that really sticks out and resonates in my mind quite often..."Oh how He loves...and all of the sudden I am aware of all the afflictions eclipsed by glory...oh how He loves"... There's been several times where God has spoken through these words but on this day He spoke specific to Selah and the dedication and being able to celebrate that moment. From the beginning of the pregnancy it was uncertain how things would go...at least to us it was...not Him. At delivery it was uncertain as to how it will all work out. Now as we face daily things and as I look into the future...surgeries, her health and development, how it will all work out...it seems uncertain. But, when I stop and think and listen to Him I am reminded that none of it is uncertain to Him. He reminded me of the many "afflictions eclipsed by glory" that have occured and still are...things that could've happened but haven't, blessings all around us. All of the sudden my awareness of them was awakened...wake up Blair. For example, her reflux has been really bad...or so it seems. Despite it though she isn't aspirating and she hasn't gotten pneumonia...she's staying healthy, gaining weight, and she's at home instead of having to be in the hospital...an affliction eclipsed by His glory and goodness, His grace... I hope this makes sense????
So, all that to say, we are so thankful for where we are at right now in all of it. Yes, my faith and hope fade at times and my strength definitely does. But again, God reminds me to rest in Him, to "cease striving," and to be thankful by faith and trust...He has got it...
A verse I read the other day really stuck out, specific to this topic. I'm going to share how He spoke to me and I hope it makes sense...
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights" Habakkuk 3:17-19
....though circumstances are uncertain and how things will work out are unseen...God provides...though things aren't going according to "my" plans or all as I would have it...God calls me to be thankful in faith and trust and joy and peace then reside in me...we will not be consumed or overwhelmed in any of it and we will not be defeated...He is holding us and His hand is on us....He calls us to enjoy the sweet moments along the way....:)



Much Love to you!!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Arrival Delayed

Odd title...I know...I will attempt to explain...
I have come to realize...yet again...that life isn't fair, that I will not ever "arrive" at a place in my life where it's all figured out, where I can fix it all, where I can rest and be comfortable and it all be just as I've planned or like, or where I will ever naturally be thankful in ALL things. It's as if this is news to me...imagine that...to realize that I haven't arrived at "letting go" and surrendering my ways to our Heavenly Father. With each season of life in this story and in this journey God is weaving together, I am learning that it is an ongoing series of "lessons" and growing experiences and opportunities to trust God and obey in faith...each step of the way...moment by moment. "One day" it will make sense, there will be an answer to the unanswered questions, it will all fit together...one day...
I found myself at a place of finally surrendering and letting go and experiencing peace, grace,  and restoration during Spencer's deployment and during our pregnancy and the arrival of Selah. I guess I thought I had "let go" so that was it...it took care of all the other seasons in life...yeah right. My eyes have been opened yet again...
Selah is doing well...such an answered prayer! She is staying healthy but is having trouble with reflux...for a while now. It seems to be getting worse with each day. She is vomiting daily at least one but usually all of her feeds up. We are trying meds, adding rice to the milk, keeping her upright...all we know to do...with the help of a compassionate pediatrician. Despite all these remedies, they are unsuccessful. We have concerns because of her trach and keeping the vomit out of her lungs so that she doesn't aspirate or get pneumonia. It is scary for her and myself. She is staying healthy thus far though...no aspiration or pneumonia...thankfully. However, thoughts and feeling like I am doing everything I can and yet it is a failure...I am a failure... consume my mind and I can't help but feel defeated, overwhelmed, helpless....
There are opportunitites available now for Selah to be taken care of and to give me some rest...one in our special needs nursery at our church and one in a Mother's Day Out program for special needs children at a local church. Both of these opportunities involve qualified and loving servants. Despite this though, I am still not "able" to leave her. My mind whirls with all these scenarios of what could go wrong and I have not found the ability or peace to "let go" and try...
Now, in both of these circumstances God has been speaking to me. He is teaching me that yet again my arrival to having it fixed or figured out or wanting to be thankful when I don't like things is...delayed. I don't have it all together and I can NOT keep it all together...I am not strong enough too. He is teaching me that I am to call out to Him, to trust Him, to thank Him if it is all going well or even if it isn't...to rely on His strength. He is teaching me that yet again, I am to "cease striving" and I am to surrender...let go...and rest in knowing He has got it! I came across the verse in Psalms again the other day..."Selah's verse" :). I read it to her daily and it's just become familiar I guess. But, one day some of the words jumped out at me and got my attention..."He knit me together in my mother's womb"...God used these words to remind me that just as He reassured me that He formed all of her in the womb, He formed all of her now...He is aware of the reflux, of her body, of all of it. Now, I may not understand it or like it but that doesn't change that He is aware...He made her....
I am learning that this is now a new season in our story...a new part of our journey. God is teaching me that no matter what season I am in or what one I am coming out of or going into, there is always going to be an "arrival" of sorts, a growing experience, a refining processing...getting rid of what God sees needs to go and strengthing what He sees needs to stay. Now, it is up to me whether or not I go along with His ways and yield...let go of my ways...surrender and trust....OR...fight it, complain and worry about and strive to fix it and in the end up feeling overwhelmed, defeated, helpless....
This is something that I am learning and thankful that God is willing to help me grow in. I pray and hope that it makes sense to you and that it is His words that resonate. There is a verse in scripture that is one of my favorites. It is one that I claim in the things that just don't make sense, in the things that leave me asking "why," in the unanswered questions....one day though it will be known...if we know Him...  
"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully..." I Corinthians 13:12


We do appreciate your support and love so much more than you know...thank you!!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Everyone Has A Story

Hi,
I recently had a less than pleasant encounter...due to me...with a Walgreens employee and there was a lessoned to be learned from it. God has been impressing on me to share what He is trying to teach me through it.
As I mentioned in the previous blog, I haven't been venturing out too much, and definitely not solo. A little bit ago though I left Selah and Spencer home napping while I decided I'd "hurry" to Walgreens to try to print some of the pictures we got taken. So, I am on a "mission" and intending to get to Walgreens and to be uninterrupted so I can decide which pictures and sizes I want to print...and then to get home with my mission accomplished. I make it there ready and armed with my memory card, flashdrive, and CD. I hurriedly walk to the back of the store to the picture kiosk. I start but quickly realize that the kiosk will not accept my flash drive...first "hitch" in my plan. I then try my memory card and it will not stay in the slot...I checked to make sure it was the correct one...second hitch in my plan. My frustration is starting to increase...my time is being wasted I think to myself. I quickly move over to the other kiosk...before anyone decides to get on it. I see it also won't accept my USB but it will take and hold my memory card and CD...not a complete success but it will have to do. So, I get my pictures loaded and prep to pick out the sizes and pictures I want...all while I am glancing at my clock repeatedly to see how I'm doing on time. I begin looking at my pictures and have a sense of relief, since my mission is becoming a success...or so I think. A Walgreens employee, who works in the picture department, walks by and I ask her a question about packages and sizes. She looks up at the kiosk and my pictures and immediately says that I cannot print my pictures. SAY WHAT...now here's where I am ashamed to say that I was less than considerate. She proceeds to calmly explain that the pictures appear professional and that they have to have a copyright statement in hand from the person that took them saying they "release" the pictures to me to print. ....ok, stay with me :)
Now I have to make a reference to a term that we commonly use and more often than not applies to me...NASTY...My first year in the school system I was assigned to the cafeteria for morning breakfast duty...with junior high age to add to that. Now this early in the morning the kiddos are not pleasant to begin with. Add to that...they were expected to come in silently and remain silent while eating quickly and getting to class...yeah right! So, every morning the same group would give me trouble and one day I told a "repeat offender" to sit down and keep her mouth shut or to throw her breakfast away and to head to class. She proceeded to stand up, place her hand on her hip, and to cock her head to the side in a sassy way, and she exclaimes...with attitude..."you're so nasty." Now, I was not dirty, stinky, etc. so I don't believe she meant nasty like that :). She meant I was rude and putting a cramp in her style, so to speak. Well, I came home and told Spencer that and my family and the term has stuck. So, as I mentioned earlier, I'm often told by Spencer or my family to "stop being nasty." Ok, now back to the Walgreens story...
So, Walgreens gal...I know her name but will keep it confidential...proceeds to explain the copyright information. I don't even let her finish before I began rudely interuppting her by exclaiming that these pictures were taken in my home, on my "freaking"...yes I said that...couch. I continued to loudly exclaim that I don't ever get out and that I actually have time and they won't help me or let me print my pictures...all I want to do is print my pictures I exclaim. Wow, drama queen...to put it politely. Now Walgreens gal manages to remain calm and professional throught my rant...that is amazing! She lets me get it out and then says that I can pick the pictures out and print them and that they could hold them until I brought the copyright statement...get this...she then offers to help me pick out sizes and a package. I calm a little but am still extremely agitated. She helps me look at the pictures but the kiosk begans freezing and we have to "retry" loading the pictures three times...what hitch is this in my plan/mission...lost count. While we are waiting on the pictures to load she begins to ask about Selah and what all is going on with her. She then tells me about her son and some special needs and complications he has had. Now, despite having her identify some with me and having her willing to share her story, I am still wrapped up in what I want to do and only what I want to do and that is my mission. The kiosk continues to freeze and another customer comes up to the counter so she goes to assist them. I decide to just hang it up for the day and to leave...thinking to myself about all the wasted time I spent there. I do offer her a brief apology and thank you for her help but then I rush off...I don't have any more time to waste I think to myself. As I walk out I pass the manager and stop him to let him know that despite my rude behavior his Walgreens gal remained polite and professional. He looked at me a bit shocked and just responded "ok, cool." With my time at Walgreens being more than exceeded I hurriedly head out the door and jump into my vehicle....now for the lesson...
I get into my vehicle and start it up. My radio was turned up and tuned to K-Love...a Christian radio station. The guy was finishing up what he was saying but the last bit of his words spoke SO loudly and stuck out...he said that everyone has some sort of trial and story and you never know what they may be going through so..."be kind to everyone you meet"...OUCH...WOW!!! God spoke and boy did I feel awful, filthy...who did I think I was and how do I think I have the right to act in the way I did. I asked God to forgive me and only by HIS grace did He continue to speak...it's not my time, my mission, my purpose that is important. What if the whole purpose in me going into Walgreens that day was to meet Walgreens gal...to invest time in her and her story and to share mine with her...to share the hope and peace I have and why I have it. What if this was a "divine appointment" that I missed out and totally blew just because I wasn't aware...available...approachable....
Ok, so I hope and pray that the lesson I learned and am still learning makes sense???? I hate to even share this because I can be so NASTY...so imperfect. Thankfully God does teach and in His grace does try to refine us along the way, through each of these experiences...oh how I need it...

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14