Monday, March 5, 2012

Down Memory Lane

Hi, hope all is well with you. As we are getting closer to celebrating Selah's first's gotten me thinking about this time last year...a stroll down memory lane...join me please...
I was thinking about how thankful we are to have her home and it just got me thinking about our journey from the beginning of the pregnancy to now. I remember being so excited and yet so terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I was shaking with excitement and yet begging God to please let us have this baby...I was so scared that we may miscarry again. I remember going to the doctor and hearing the heartbreaking news that "things didn't look good" for this pregnancy either. And I remember going back and hearing and seeing in the doctor's face that things were improving...and we both knew only by God's grace. I remember each week I would cling to the hope that I was still going to hear a heartbeat...still going to have this life growing inside me....yet waves of "what if" would battle for my hope. I also remember the day that we found out we were having a sweet girl was the day that we found out about the "possible abnormalities." After that doc visit is when we began going between here and Jackson to monitor how things were progressing or not. I remember one visit where the doctor saw how severe Selah's lower jaw was...underdeveloped...non existent basically...and the doctor presented the "facts" and that survival without the jaw or the possibility of being able to establish an airway was very questionable. I remember hearing this and feeling paralyzed with fear...sick to my stomach...helpless with imagining this sweet baby struggle for air and for life. I also remember clinging to God with all that I had...not much at times...and just with all that I could do trying to trust....trying to hope.
During this pregnancy I wanted desperately to celebrate and to enjoy the experience. I was apparently pregnant to the tummy and waddle making that known...and people would congratulate me and ask when I was due...all with good intentions...and yet not know how much it hurt. I wanted to reply with such excitement and hope and yet it hurt so much to think about or to be reminded that this sweet baby's life and survival was uncertain. I wanted to prepare and have everything ready and yet I was so scared that if I did that when I didn't bring Selah home I would only have reminders...of the baby I didn't have. I had precious, supportive friends offer me baby showers. At first I couldn't imagine having a shower. I prayed about it though and asked God's leading and strength in it. He spoke to me that by trying to be hopeful and by trying to faith, in trust...that it is a testimony to Him...that by being vulnerable and "risking" the hurt, the heartache, the brokenness...there is joy, there is peace, there is healing...there is faith. So, it was this time last year, on this past weekend that I had one of my baby showers. It was a precious and tender experience. I remember being so thankful that I was getting to have a baby celebrate. All the baby shower invites I'd opened...with tears streaming down my face...longing for it to be mine...and now it was mine...what a blessing. And yet, the uncertainty and unknown would come in waves. I would look at a sweet gift as I opened and silently ask myself and God if I would get to see precious Selah enjoy this. I remember organizing all the precious gifts into piles in the closet because I couldn't bring myself to set up a nursery. I wanted to have it all ready for Selah...for her to come home to her room...just for her. The hurt of not knowing for sure that this would be the case was too much though. So, her beautiful gifts and things we would need for her arrival stayed ready...just not out for a visual reminder...of the hope yet consuming uncertainty.
I look back at getting ready to deliver her and her delivery and our NICU stay. I look back over our arrival home and these past months...that have flown by. I look back over all of it and I'm...speechless...doesn't happen I can say in all of it that I am in awe...humbled...thankful. God is faithful and God is sovereign. I continue to realize that no matter what, no matter how hard, no matter the circumstances, He is working and He is able to do "immeasurably" more than I can think up or try to make happen or make sense of (Ephesians 3:21).
Now this stroll down memory lane was also brought on by two songs I hear on KLOVE quite often. One song I've heard since getting home with Selah and it just brought me back to that place...of not knowing if she'd survive, if we would be blessed with this precious life, and if we were then for how is by Matt Hammond...."Afraid to love something that could break, could I move on if you were torn away? I'm so close to what I can't control, I can't give you half my heart and pray it makes you whole...Won't let sadness steal you from my arms, won't let pain keep you from my heart...I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose for every moment I'll have with you...You're gonna have all of're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear..."
There is another song that Spencer and I would hear a lot on KLOVE during my pregnancy with Selah. We both knew it was from God and it was "our song" for that Josh Wilson..."Would you dare to believe that you still got a reason to sing because the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming...the pain you've been feeling is just the dark before the morning..."
Now this song has been playing a lot lately when I've been listening to the radio. I know that it's much more than a coincidence. God has been reminding me here recently...despite this tiredness that I feel or the overwhelmed feelings in some of the decisions we're making in this season or will have to make...despite whatever today holds...that just as in the past, He is working....He calls us to celebrate, to soak in, to cherish this "morning"... it is here in Selah's beautiful blue eyes and in her sweet smile...our "morning" is always going to be orchestrated by His almighty, faithful, loving hands....where there is joy, peace, and healing....

Psalm 30:5 "...weeping may remain for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Your prayers and support have and do carry us through so much more than you I look back, your faithful prayers and love are such a big part of our story...thank you...we appreciate you!