Little of Our Story

Hi and welcome back,
I am making my second post...impressive :). After I posted the first time, I text some family and friends the blog address so they could check it out. I got a text back from my sister-in-law asking what I was going to blog about. I replied that she'd just have to check it out and see for herself. My phone rang and it was her and she was checking to make sure a hacker hadn't accessed my account or set up a blog in my name. She said, "I know you don't really do computer stuff, so I didn't know if this was real." I of course laughed and told her this is a genuine blog. Anyway, thought that was funny. I did think about her question though and what I will blog about. Really it seems like a way to share some of our story and how we got to where we are now and to also keep our friends and family updated on how things are going...since I'm one of the few remaining not on Facebook, LOL. So, I thought today's post could be a little history lesson of sorts...sharing a little of our story and how we got to where we are now.
Spencer and I have been married for seven years. We got married when we were still in college and didn't really have steady work or incomes. We made do though and now that we look back can say those first years were some of the sweetest. Anyway, the first few years of our marriage were filled with school, working to live, military training, and enjoying being newlyweds. We didn't really see a baby fitting into all of that. The timing just didn't seem right and frankly the thought of it was less than appealing to me. We finished school and began to get careers established with a more steady income coming in. We also were blessed to find a house and move out of our apartment. As all of this came together we began to think and talk more about the idea of having a baby. So, the idea began to become more of a routine topic of conversation. I knew that was what seemed like was supposed to come next ...I mean we were married, we had jobs, we had a house now. The thought of it still freaked me out though. There were so many concerns...how to pay for it, all the screwy qualities and traits in myself I didn't want to pass on, some of the issues I carried with me from my past. But, we began to be a lot less careful...as far as preventive measures go and it was a few months later that I realized I was pregnant...after peeing on all five pregnancy test sticks. I remember being in shock and my hands shaking as I showed Spencer the test. He was surprised also but was grinning from ear to ear. I remember being so scared and having mixed emotions about it and saying, "there's no going back now."
We waited for a bit to tell anyone. The week we finally announced it was the week I began spotting and hurting. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound and there was a small figure there but just quiet, no heartbeat. I remember being sad but not really "processing" the emotions and loss really. I just did what I needed to do and had the DNC. Not until later did the emotions and feelings of it really surface.
As I tried to recover and heal, physically at least, we began to talk about trying again. In the midst of all this was the military also. Spencer started to have to be gone for about one or two weeks out of each month for military training. We also found out that his unit would be getting ready to deploy within the next several months. So, in my head was that we needed to try again before he left. I wanted to make it happen so badly, now that I look back I am not sure why. I think it was the unspoken thought that if we conceived before he left, I would have a piece of him...in case he didn't come back home. So, we began to try again and not too long after conceived again. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but also more excited. I started out hurting and spotting though. Of course, this was devastating. I remember really crying out to God and asking him to just let me hear a heartbeat at the doctor's office. I went for my appointment (Spencer was at training) and saw the little life on the screen. There was a heartbeat, a slow, labored one though. I remember thinking this was so sad, to hear that little heartbeat struggling for life, barely holding on. The doctor explained that this probably meant impending miscarriage and put me on extra hormones and a week of rest. I was to wait it out and come back in a week. It was a long week and it was hard. I went back that next week and there was no heartbeat, just silence. I again didn't "process" all the emotions and feelings of the loss but just did what I needed to do and had another DNC. It was not too long after that it all started to surface.
As I mentioned earlier, Spencer was having to stay gone with training a lot at this point. This didn't help anything...or so it seemed. As I began to have feelings and emotions surface, I took a lot or most of it out on him. I was so angry at him for going to the trainings all the time, even though he couldn't help it. I was so angry that I'd seen two lives along with the plans, hopes, and dreams slip through my fingers. I was hurting, broken, angry and I just hurt him and our marriage. I felt so guilty...what had I done to cause it, if only I'd been more appreciative and excited maybe it wouldn't have happened. I distanced myself from close friends also. I didn't know how to deal with all this and I had feelings and emotions that I didn't know where they were coming from or what to do with them. On top of that I had a lot of guilt about all that I was feeling. I thought that since I was a Christian that I should be full of only joy and should not feel the way I did, I wondered what was wrong with me.
It was a long struggle of my will versus God's and it took me finally coming to the point of surrender before His true peace filled me. It was when I finally realized I couldn't hold it all together, I couldn't make sense of it, I couldn't fix it, I couldn't control or plan it that I said, "Ok God, I let go, it's yours." When this happened, slowly I began to let him heal me. He was there all along, waiting patiently, I had just kept fighting him. He began to speak to me (because I was finally listening) and began to teach me. I learned that he wanted me to come before him, broken, disappointed, hurt, angry, and to let him heal me and restore me. Now this didn't happen overnight and it definitely doesn't mean I have "arrived" or am all "okay" now. The experience of miscarriage and that loss is part of me, part of my story...as well as the deployment. It is something that with time heals a little more. There are still times though where it hurts to hear someone talking about being pregnant or their ultrasound. There are times where I get a baby shower invite and tears stream down my face. Every time I'm at the doctor and pass the ultrasound room the memories of pain flood into my mind. Now I want to say that I never wish hurt or anything but blessing on anyone. I pray for friends and others that are blessed to experience pregnancy and having children...I hope only blessings over them. Still though, others joy can bring pain, and I don't know if it will ever be explained. I do know God has taught me to be gentle with myself and to know that it is okay to feel the way I do at times. He just wants to help through it, to grow through it.
I also need to mention that Spencer made it home safely from a 15 month deployment...so thankful! Now, needless to say, "trying" wasn't possible while he was gone :(. When he came home it didn't seem like the right timing initially. There are so many emotions and just transitions to make after that amount of time apart. We began to talk about it again though and to consider it more seriously. He was ready to try and see what happened while I was still more hesitant. As I mentioned earlier, I haven't "arrived" but the intensity of the hurt and emotions isn't as raw. So, the thought of trying again and possibly experiencing the loss, the pain, the brokenness, and the disappointment again was hard to think of. After prayerfully seeking God's direction on it though, he confirmed that it was time. It didn't take us long either. In August 2010, we found out we were expecting again. This is our third pregnancy and we are 34 weeks today. Now, there are definitely parts of the story that accompany this pregnancy and I look forward to sharing that...think that will have to be the next post. :)