A Baby Story

Well,
In the previous post I ended with mentioning we are now in our third pregnancy...farthest we've gotten along in one! We are 34 weeks with a little girl. Now if you read the previous post you are aware that we've had two miscarriages previously. So, needless to say, we are so thankful that we are getting to experience this pregnancy. That is not to say that it has not been a bit of emotional roller coaster.
I found out in August 2010 that I was pregnant. I began spotting and hurting some and of course was so scared. I remember peeing on the pregnancy tests, three of them, and having mixed results. Two of the tests showed a light positive result and the other test a negative result. I couldn't wait it out so I went into our local after hours clinic for the blood test. The test came back positive and with lots of congratulations from the nurse...if only she'd know the fear and worry in my heart. The next morning I didn't call to make an appointment, I just went to my doctor's office and told the receptionist to let her nurse and her know what was going on and that I needed to see her. Now this is demanding I know, but it was what I felt needed to be done. I have regrets about the past and what should or could of been done. I knew that I didn't have time to wait to get in for an appointment...extra precautions needed to be done (hormones, medication, etc.). My doctor and I had discussed it all but then having to go through reception, etc. and trying to convey that can be the challenging part. So, my doctor, who is beyond fabulous and truly a blessing, saw me that day.
I had the blood test done and titers done to measure the pregnancy hormone. Not to my surprise, they came back postive for pregnancy but very low. The doctor explained that they were not even close to the range of where they should be, as far as how far along in the pregnancy I should be. I was given the extra hormones, etc. and told to rest and set up a follow up appointment to measure them again. Now, the first two pregnancies I did not really share a lot or call on family and friends for prayer. I know God impressed upon me to realize the blessing of how many prayer warriors we have on our behalf and to call on them...and I did. I went back to the next appointment and the numbers had almost tripled...now that is nothing but a miracle. Since that visit, the numbers and ultrasounds showed a baby growing and developing, with a precious sign of life...that heartbeat.
Now I have to stop for a minute and relate what I had written in my journal during the first part of this pregnancy. I looked back and read my prayer to God asking him if he will to bless us with this life. I asked him if he didn't though to help us through it, in his grace. I ended this specific journal entry with the prayer that he would help me be joyful, thankful, and filled with peace in all of it. I wrote that he was a God of miracles. Now at the time I didn't realize the impact of this prayer. Not until a little while back did I realize that he is answering this prayer. I will continue with this part a little later in the post.
So, we continued to have ultrasounds with heartbeats and the baby developing. I hurt a lot from the start of the pregnancy though and have had to modify and limit a lot of my activities...rest and take it easy. The doctor has also monitored me very closely and has been so great. Each time we go to the doctor for a visit though, my heart races and I think, "Will this be the visit where it all falls apart?" It is a struggle of fear and worry I have to try to overcome by remembering God's promises throughout the day...have fabulous family and friends to help encourage me also.
We went the week of Thanksgiving to find out the sex of the baby. We found out it was a girl. The doctor also told us about a concern she had with the baby's lower jaw development and she referred us to a specialist in Jackson to have him check it out. The next week we went for our appointment with him. He diagnosed her with Micrognathia...an abnormally small lower jaw or lack of one. He also saw abnormalities with one of her hands, arms, and legs possibly. He explained the complications involved with the jaw as well as possible syndromes or conditions that may be associated with it. We declined an amniocentesis though so none of the chromosomal or genetic information was definitive. This was hard to hear and very devastating at first. I couldn't help but ask God why this was happening...I mean we will love this baby and will try to take care of her...will we be able to, will she survive, why would she have to suffer in any way were questions racing through my head. We went home in a fog and just tried to process all of it. We began seeing him as well as my doctor here. From the start her survival after delivery was mentioned as a concern. When the lower jaw is too small it affects swallowing, breathing and feeding. The extent of how small her jaw is or how much it will affect her will not really be determined until she is here. We do know that her having an airway is a primary concern. The baby swallows the amniotic fluid and regulates it and she is swallowing some but not as much as she needs to so my amniotic fluid levels are higher than what they need to be. They recommended that we deliver in Jackson where there is a team of specialist that can hopefully be there for delivery in order to try to address all these concerns and needs.
Now let me go back to my journal entry and prayer that I mentioned above. Since this pregnancy began and throughout it, God has spoken consistently to me about thankfulness, joy, and peace in all things. He has used my devotions, messages at church, scripture read, songs, and friends encouragement to teach me about being thankful and having joy and peace no matter what "fire" we are in or what season it is. Now this has been a challenge for me. I have struggled with being thankful for some of what we are experiencing. But, he is teaching me and trying to grow me in it. I am learning that if I come before him honestly in prayer and thank him for all that is going on then joy and peace began to grow. Like I said, this has been hard...saying thank you for some of these concerns. He has led me in trying to be thankful in this experience and not letting the uncertainty and "what if" overrule that...not to miss out on the sweet moments in it. I am truly humbled and honored for this experience and have tried to enjoy these moments...seeing her grow, hearing her heartbeat, growing a belly, buying maternity clothes, having a baby shower. As I have tried to obey him, his peace and joy, beyond anything of me have penetrated through all the other "stuff."  I may not understand any of it or like it, but I do know and believe that his hand is on us and that he is working. Not until I let God help me did I realize what a priveledge this experience is and I am thankful. His word is true and alive and his presence is here...if only I will be aware. Now, not any of this is due to me, but of Him and of the truly faithful prayer warriors praying on our behalf...thank you, you are loved!
Now to mention the part on miracles. I remember looking back at my journal entry and seeing where I wrote our God is a God of miracles. I started thinking about this and asked God what does this mean, a miracle in our situation. Through time with him, he began to speak to me that it wasn't necessarily a miracle where we see it all work out how we want or plan. It wasn't that it all goes how we like it or how we feel comfortable with it. It is instead, evidence of his power, his presence, his glory, his grace at work. It is evidence of his hand in all of it. As I look back from the start of this pregnancy, what a miracle it has been. We have seen prayers answered for this sweet girl's life to continue, we have seen doctors brought into our path that are beyond compassionate and helpful, we have seen friends and family step in on our behalf and truly claim God's power over us, we have seen him gently speak to us when we come before him in our fear and disappointment. All of this has been true evidence of his hand at work...a miracle!
So, we have started having visits at UMC in Jackson where we are told is the best place for us to deliver. After a visit last week, we decided to have an amniocentesis done. We go for an appointment next week and hope to find out more about a delivery date and plan and results of any chromosomal or genentic conditions that are occuring. We are trying to be hopeful and just take it day by day. We are thankful that we know ahead of time that we need to deliver in Jackson. We are praying for the doctors involved and just asking God's hand over all of it. So as for now, we are waiting...expectantly and with hope and trust!

PS Thought I'd share a little note on our sweet baby's name...Selah. You will find it several times throughout Psalms, in the Bible. You see it to the side of the scripture or verse. It means to pause or reflect upon...so you see it and you're to pause or reflect upon God's word you just read or what he is speaking to you and to worship him. We thought about the meaning and there isn't a better fit for her and our situation. We are trying to pause in the midst of all the uncertainty and unanswered questions and to reflect on who God is...faithful, mighty to save, our Father...instead of all the other "stuff." We want to worship him by trusting him in hope and faith and that his hand is on this sweet girl...all of her.
  :)