Arrival Delayed

Odd title...I know...I will attempt to explain...
I have come to realize...yet again...that life isn't fair, that I will not ever "arrive" at a place in my life where it's all figured out, where I can fix it all, where I can rest and be comfortable and it all be just as I've planned or like, or where I will ever naturally be thankful in ALL things. It's as if this is news to me...imagine that...to realize that I haven't arrived at "letting go" and surrendering my ways to our Heavenly Father. With each season of life in this story and in this journey God is weaving together, I am learning that it is an ongoing series of "lessons" and growing experiences and opportunities to trust God and obey in faith...each step of the way...moment by moment. "One day" it will make sense, there will be an answer to the unanswered questions, it will all fit together...one day...
I found myself at a place of finally surrendering and letting go and experiencing peace, grace,  and restoration during Spencer's deployment and during our pregnancy and the arrival of Selah. I guess I thought I had "let go" so that was it...it took care of all the other seasons in life...yeah right. My eyes have been opened yet again...
Selah is doing well...such an answered prayer! She is staying healthy but is having trouble with reflux...for a while now. It seems to be getting worse with each day. She is vomiting daily at least one but usually all of her feeds up. We are trying meds, adding rice to the milk, keeping her upright...all we know to do...with the help of a compassionate pediatrician. Despite all these remedies, they are unsuccessful. We have concerns because of her trach and keeping the vomit out of her lungs so that she doesn't aspirate or get pneumonia. It is scary for her and myself. She is staying healthy thus far though...no aspiration or pneumonia...thankfully. However, thoughts and feeling like I am doing everything I can and yet it is a failure...I am a failure... consume my mind and I can't help but feel defeated, overwhelmed, helpless....
There are opportunitites available now for Selah to be taken care of and to give me some rest...one in our special needs nursery at our church and one in a Mother's Day Out program for special needs children at a local church. Both of these opportunities involve qualified and loving servants. Despite this though, I am still not "able" to leave her. My mind whirls with all these scenarios of what could go wrong and I have not found the ability or peace to "let go" and try...
Now, in both of these circumstances God has been speaking to me. He is teaching me that yet again my arrival to having it fixed or figured out or wanting to be thankful when I don't like things is...delayed. I don't have it all together and I can NOT keep it all together...I am not strong enough too. He is teaching me that I am to call out to Him, to trust Him, to thank Him if it is all going well or even if it isn't...to rely on His strength. He is teaching me that yet again, I am to "cease striving" and I am to surrender...let go...and rest in knowing He has got it! I came across the verse in Psalms again the other day..."Selah's verse" :). I read it to her daily and it's just become familiar I guess. But, one day some of the words jumped out at me and got my attention..."He knit me together in my mother's womb"...God used these words to remind me that just as He reassured me that He formed all of her in the womb, He formed all of her now...He is aware of the reflux, of her body, of all of it. Now, I may not understand it or like it but that doesn't change that He is aware...He made her....
I am learning that this is now a new season in our story...a new part of our journey. God is teaching me that no matter what season I am in or what one I am coming out of or going into, there is always going to be an "arrival" of sorts, a growing experience, a refining processing...getting rid of what God sees needs to go and strengthing what He sees needs to stay. Now, it is up to me whether or not I go along with His ways and yield...let go of my ways...surrender and trust....OR...fight it, complain and worry about and strive to fix it and in the end up feeling overwhelmed, defeated, helpless....
This is something that I am learning and thankful that God is willing to help me grow in. I pray and hope that it makes sense to you and that it is His words that resonate. There is a verse in scripture that is one of my favorites. It is one that I claim in the things that just don't make sense, in the things that leave me asking "why," in the unanswered questions....one day though it will be known...if we know Him...  
"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully..." I Corinthians 13:12


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