Always and Forever

***Disclaimer***
This post is gender sensitive...if you're a male and maybe some modest females...you will probably want to pass on reading this post. If you proceed then it's at your own risk... :)

I have to start with a bittersweet goodbye to my favorite hobby...pumping that hooter milk! For the past year I've been able to pump milk...hooter milk is what Spencer calls it...and am so thankful I could do this for Selah. She is having to transition to other feeds now and so I must say goodbye. I have so many memories that have to do with pumping and if I could only tell you in person, you'd be smiling too. I've had Spencer on one hooter and my mom on the other, both kneading and trying to get the hooter milk to come out, after I had Selah and was engorged. I would hold the pump bottles while they each massaged...this happened for several days. And, I bet if you asked Spencer if he'd ever imagined that was something he and his mother-in-law would join forces in doing, he'd laugh and firmly say, "no." But, as we've learned...never say never. :) I've pumped in so many places...spreading the love, ha....Ross bathroom, dentist office bathroom, backseat of the car, front seat of the car...Lindsey :)...and the list could go on. I've pumped while Spencer has walked around singing the Black Eye Peas song...Pump it Louder. I've pumped night and day for the past twelve months, but now it has come time to say goodbye to my hobby. I say with excitement for the freedom from it but also with sadness in knowing I won't provide Selah with it any longer, goodbye dear friend...hooter milk...:)
OK, well now that all that is said I'll go on to say I've been trying to dry my milk up over this past week. I found a lump that has been there but was much more noticeable. I asked my doctor about it and she worked me in for an appointment to check it out. She examined everything and she agreed with me that it makes sense that it's mastitis...since I'm concluding pumping and trying to dry up the milk. She gave me an antibiotic too to treat any infection. She is thankfully very thorough and didn't want to dismiss it so she referred me for a breast ultrasound to make sure it's not anything to be concerned about. I had that done on Friday and I am waiting to hear back on the results. The ultrasound tech wouldn't give up any information but she did say it's usually a good sign when they let you go without a biopsy or mammogram...which I didn't have to have either one. So, I'm just waiting on the results.
I can't say it didn't take me by surprise. I heard that drying up the milk is not fun...painful, etc. I thought I probably had mastitis and that I'd need an antibiotic. When she examined me though and thought it was better to confirm it wasn't anything else I was not expecting that. Thoughts and emotions began whirling around in my mind. I mean how can that be...the possibility of me getting sick...it can't be...Selah needs me and I need to be strong and healthy for her and Spencer. I left the doctor that day and just felt...humbled. I looked at her sweet smile and her beautiful blue eyes and I just cried. I am so thankful and honored to be here with her...to have this time. I talked to Spencer and heard his strong voice and felt such gratitude that I'm blessed with his love. I have kept going through all the reasons that this wouldn't make sense.
I went for my breast ultrasound the next day and Selah had to roll with me. She of course won all the nurses over...they don't have many babies come there. I saw older ladies, middle age ladies, young ladies...all ladies that were a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend...a beloved child of God. I saw them and wondered what each of their stories were...what season of life they're currently in.
So, I had the ultrasound done and now I'm waiting to hear back. As I mentioned earlier, they let me go without further assessment so hopefully that's a good sign. I've tried to just not to dwell on it or what could be. I've tried to pray about it and to ask for prayer from the precious prayer warriors in my life. I've asked God to just take all that's not of Him and to fill me with only Him...His peace, His trust, His hope, His faith, His joy. As I've prayed and had quiet time with Him, He's been speaking to my heart and quieting all that threatens to start raging in me...worry, despair, helplessness, uncertainty. I was reading in my devotional this morning and it was further reassurance from God that He's working and orchestrating it all for His good...for His glory. A verse that has been consistently presented to me over the past several days is found in
Psalm 13:5 "I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." I was reading this morning and again this verse presented itself. God spoke to me that He is my perfect...savior, friend, Heavenly Father...and that I am His beloved daughter...always and forever...no matter what...in all things. I read this with the reassuring hope of His presence right now...in this moment...whether it's as I plan on or not...in the moments to come...always and forever...