Hi!
We are going on week 4 in Jackson...seems like it has been much longer than that. We are truly thankful for the care Selah is receiving. We are thankful for the opportunity to stay at the Ronald McDonald house. We know we are blessed but this seems to be the point in this part of the journey where we are battling growing tired and weary. Our days are staying pretty busy. They consist of going back and forth between the RMCD house and the NICU. We are now training on providing care for Selah...her trach, g tube, general care, etc. We are talking with the team about when we may possibly go home...maybe a few weeks. We are trying to take in all the information and process all that we will need to do in order to care for Selah. At times it has been overwhelming and honestly freaked me out. She is in such a controlled and sterile environment now. the thought of taking her out of it and having it in our hands is scary. But, they are trying to give us the experience and training we need in order for us to feel comfortable. We are also trying to meet with some of the different specialist that she will need. We will meet with the doctors on Wednesday to discuss the jaw distraction surgery. We aren't sure what it will entail or the timeline really so we hope to get these answers and more at our visit on Wednesday.
Selah has still been doing pretty good. She seems to be tolerating her feeds well and is slowly gaining weight. She seems to be having less trouble with her respirations...not breathing as rapid. Unfortunately her hair is not looking to much better :(...she is still beautiful though. The ENT and audiologist did talk with us about hearing aids for her. She does appear to have a significant hearing loss in both ears...in the severe loss range. So, that is something we will follow up on...be ongoing visits. I do believe she is comforted by us when we talk to her so I know there is some hearing there. We will just see as she grows what all is going on.
So, that is what is happening as of now...I think that's all :). As I mentioned earlier, I have struggled with being a little, no a lot, tired and weary lately. We haven't been sleeping much so that doesn't help. I tend to try to take it all in and then my mind races with thoughts and questions and concerns. I also have not been taking the time to get away with God and just talk to him, pray to him, read his word...I can tell too. I picked up my devotional and Bible today and the word I read was exactly what I needed to hear and applied to exactly the situation, the thoughts, the concerns on my mind and heart. As I tried to soak it in all, the "stuff" seemed to fade away. Oh how I miss this personal and intimate time with our Heavenly Father. I tried to let it all out to him, mostly just in an unspoken plea for him to hear it all. As I tried to listen and just be, He reminded me of his word in Matthew 11:28-30...going to try to paraphrase..."Come to me all who are tired and weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I read these words of truth and knew God was reminding me to not stop "coming" to him. I need this time with him...life and sustainment for the soul. He knows I am tired and he knows I am weary. He knows all the "stuff" and he wants me to keep "bringing" to him. As I did and do, his peace and hope fill me again. All the stuff that seems to be a burden are things that he wants to use...to teach me, to strengthen me, to refine me, to bless me.
I started thinking about all the things I have been so overwhelmed and worried about and he began to bring to light all of the false and unnecessary concerns related to that. I was reminded again that his hand continues to be on us and on Selah. His hand continues to be mighty to save and all powerful. His hand continues to bless and show compassion and grace. I began to realize how truly blessed we are.
In the past few weeks we've seen many families who don't have their baby anymore. These different families who have been clinging to the hope that their baby will get better or "make it" only see their precious baby's life fade away. These families watch helplessly as their precious little one's ends. We've seen it all too much and close and it is heartbreaking. Our hearts ache for these families and we just try to pray for comfort over them...I often don't even know what to pray...just a silent prayer of mercy and hope over them.
As I was reminded of this I realized that I need to be so thankful for the blessing of precious Selah...a miracle, an answer our prayers.
Thank you again for all your continued support and prayers...we are so humbled. Much love!!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Hi,
Selah's surgery went well. She has been recovering since then. They are still trying keep her resting but have decreased her pain meds. They removed her IV today and they are slowly increasing her milk intake through her G tube. She has been tolerating the feeds so far and we're thankful. She has some chest congestion but her oxygen and respiration stats were better today. She has been pretty agitated the past few days but we're hoping she calms down as time goes by...she seemed to be more calm today. We are so thankful the surgery went well and we are just continuing to pray for healing and health over her. When they had to restart her IV before surgery, they had to start in her scalp. They tried several times before success and have had to change IV sites a few times. Well, each time they did this they shaved patches of her hair off. Needless to say, her pretty hair is gapped up!!! I let the nurses know I was not a fan :) and they kindly referred to her first haircut as "NICU haircut...where they leave their mark."
So, its been an exciting few days. We wanted to give you a quick update. I'm trying to type this from my Blackberry..more challenging than I thought. We will fill you in again soon. Thank you for your prayers! Love ya
Selah's surgery went well. She has been recovering since then. They are still trying keep her resting but have decreased her pain meds. They removed her IV today and they are slowly increasing her milk intake through her G tube. She has been tolerating the feeds so far and we're thankful. She has some chest congestion but her oxygen and respiration stats were better today. She has been pretty agitated the past few days but we're hoping she calms down as time goes by...she seemed to be more calm today. We are so thankful the surgery went well and we are just continuing to pray for healing and health over her. When they had to restart her IV before surgery, they had to start in her scalp. They tried several times before success and have had to change IV sites a few times. Well, each time they did this they shaved patches of her hair off. Needless to say, her pretty hair is gapped up!!! I let the nurses know I was not a fan :) and they kindly referred to her first haircut as "NICU haircut...where they leave their mark."
So, its been an exciting few days. We wanted to give you a quick update. I'm trying to type this from my Blackberry..more challenging than I thought. We will fill you in again soon. Thank you for your prayers! Love ya
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Prayer Request
Hi,
It seems like too long since I've gotten on to give an update...sorry. Our days consist of going between the Ronald McDonald house and visitng Selah in the NICU. I intend to get on and give and update but I end up having a really hard time leaving her and often end up staying until I'm too exhausted to think of "thinking" and typing..make sense?? I haven't meant to neglect keeping the blog updated though because I know it is a way to keep all you who care in the loop. I appreciate your understanding and continued support though. :)
So, I wanted to say thank you for your prayers and support. We are truly humbled and so thankful for all the love that has been shown to us...thank you! We wanted to ask you to continue to think of us, specifically Selah. She is going to have surgery tomorrow, Friday 4-22-11. She is scheduled for some time mid morning. They are going to put in her G tube...be the way she is fed. It is an "operation" in which she will be put under complete anesthesia. We are praying and claiming blessing and protection over her...the fear and "what if" tries to creep in though. We do appreciate your prayers. I will give an update as we know how it goes tomorrow. Again...thank you...you have no idea how much your prayers, comments, texts, visits, and support mean...we love you!
It seems like too long since I've gotten on to give an update...sorry. Our days consist of going between the Ronald McDonald house and visitng Selah in the NICU. I intend to get on and give and update but I end up having a really hard time leaving her and often end up staying until I'm too exhausted to think of "thinking" and typing..make sense?? I haven't meant to neglect keeping the blog updated though because I know it is a way to keep all you who care in the loop. I appreciate your understanding and continued support though. :)
So, I wanted to say thank you for your prayers and support. We are truly humbled and so thankful for all the love that has been shown to us...thank you! We wanted to ask you to continue to think of us, specifically Selah. She is going to have surgery tomorrow, Friday 4-22-11. She is scheduled for some time mid morning. They are going to put in her G tube...be the way she is fed. It is an "operation" in which she will be put under complete anesthesia. We are praying and claiming blessing and protection over her...the fear and "what if" tries to creep in though. We do appreciate your prayers. I will give an update as we know how it goes tomorrow. Again...thank you...you have no idea how much your prayers, comments, texts, visits, and support mean...we love you!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Update...Finally!
Well,
I have intended to get on and give an update...but hasn't gone as planned. We've had long days and I haven't had consistent access to the internet. I found out I can access it at the NICU waiting area. That is not my ideal location...like to be in quiet and get "in the zone." :) I will just have to adjust though.
So, Spencer and I are staying here in Jackson at the Ronald McDonald house. It has been a blessing. Selah is in the NICU. They are taking good care of her and watching her closely. We've been blessed to have doctors and nurses that are compassionate. Of course there are times when it is still so hard to leave her in hands that aren't ours. It kills me to leave her there. I think about her care and if she is awake or upset and want to be there. I want to be there to comfort her and to love her and to reassure her that she has not been...just abandoned. It is a struggle but I try to just pray over her and pray against all those worries and concerns that surface.
She has her original trach in now. They are talking about changing it out this week. She will keep the trach because it is her way of breathing. She is breathing on her own but she still has some air/oxygen support. Her oxygen levels, breathing, and heart rate have been staying good. She has a NG tube now...a small tube that goes into her nostril and down her throat to her stomach. This is the way she receives milk/nutrients. She just got that put in today. We are praying for successful feedings with it. We should meet with the facial surgeons within the next week or so to discuss surgery for her. They call it a jaw distraction. We don't know what it will entail or when they look at doing it. We will just wait to meet with them. We met with the genetic specialist and they told us that she has Nagers Syndrome. It is a rare syndrome. Some characteristics of the syndrome that she presents with are the small jaw and lack of thumbs on both hands. Hearing difficulties are possible and they have been checking her hearing and don't have any definitive information yet. They will also check to see if reflux will occur as they increase her feeding...can be associated with the syndrome also. There are still some concerns that can arise but for now those are the main ones being looked at. They did say that it should not affect her cognitively or developmentally. There is still so much that is uncertain. We are truly trying to take it day by day...moment by moment.
We look at her beautiful face, her precious lips and nose, her long fingers and toes and are in awe...so precious! We are so thankful to get to see her and yet it hurts so bad to think of her hurting or having to go some of things she is or might have to. I do have to let God gently remind...again and again...that He did "knit her together and form her" (Psalm 139) and He knows about all of it. I don't like it or understand it, and I have a lot of unanswered questions. I do believe God's promises, I do hope in Him, I do trust in Him, I do thank Him for His presence...I pray and my heart cries out for God to continue to help us to rest in Him.
We are truly thankful for your prayers and support...thank you!
I have intended to get on and give an update...but hasn't gone as planned. We've had long days and I haven't had consistent access to the internet. I found out I can access it at the NICU waiting area. That is not my ideal location...like to be in quiet and get "in the zone." :) I will just have to adjust though.
So, Spencer and I are staying here in Jackson at the Ronald McDonald house. It has been a blessing. Selah is in the NICU. They are taking good care of her and watching her closely. We've been blessed to have doctors and nurses that are compassionate. Of course there are times when it is still so hard to leave her in hands that aren't ours. It kills me to leave her there. I think about her care and if she is awake or upset and want to be there. I want to be there to comfort her and to love her and to reassure her that she has not been...just abandoned. It is a struggle but I try to just pray over her and pray against all those worries and concerns that surface.
She has her original trach in now. They are talking about changing it out this week. She will keep the trach because it is her way of breathing. She is breathing on her own but she still has some air/oxygen support. Her oxygen levels, breathing, and heart rate have been staying good. She has a NG tube now...a small tube that goes into her nostril and down her throat to her stomach. This is the way she receives milk/nutrients. She just got that put in today. We are praying for successful feedings with it. We should meet with the facial surgeons within the next week or so to discuss surgery for her. They call it a jaw distraction. We don't know what it will entail or when they look at doing it. We will just wait to meet with them. We met with the genetic specialist and they told us that she has Nagers Syndrome. It is a rare syndrome. Some characteristics of the syndrome that she presents with are the small jaw and lack of thumbs on both hands. Hearing difficulties are possible and they have been checking her hearing and don't have any definitive information yet. They will also check to see if reflux will occur as they increase her feeding...can be associated with the syndrome also. There are still some concerns that can arise but for now those are the main ones being looked at. They did say that it should not affect her cognitively or developmentally. There is still so much that is uncertain. We are truly trying to take it day by day...moment by moment.
We look at her beautiful face, her precious lips and nose, her long fingers and toes and are in awe...so precious! We are so thankful to get to see her and yet it hurts so bad to think of her hurting or having to go some of things she is or might have to. I do have to let God gently remind...again and again...that He did "knit her together and form her" (Psalm 139) and He knows about all of it. I don't like it or understand it, and I have a lot of unanswered questions. I do believe God's promises, I do hope in Him, I do trust in Him, I do thank Him for His presence...I pray and my heart cries out for God to continue to help us to rest in Him.
We are truly thankful for your prayers and support...thank you!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Selah is here!!!
Selah Blair Taylor arrived Monday, April 4th. She made it here though at 5 lbs, 7 oz and about 19 inches long. There were many answered prayers Monday and it was evident God's hand was at work. The exit procedure was a blessing and successful. The were not able to intubate Selah because her jaw is so small/recessed and there just isn't room to establish an airway. They then moved to the tracheostomy and had a difficult time with that. They did get it in though and established an effective airway for her. She of course was hooked to the placenta for all of this and did not lose any oxygen. We are truly thankful for the results of Monday's procedure and know it is all from God's hand...answered prayers.
She is being closely monitored in the NICU here at UMC. She, as well as us, have been surrounded with a team of compassionate and knowledgeable nurses, doctors, etc. We are truly grateful and know yet again it is an indication of God's mighty hand at work. She was moved off the vetilator today and the CPAP (continuous postive air pressure) machine was connected to her trach. So she this is allowing her to breathe a little more on her own. Her oxygen levels and heart rate are staying good. She does have her hands and feet restrained to keep her from getting to the tracheostomy site and causing damage. She is also being given a sedative to try to help her rest and keep her from getting too stimulated. They want the trach site to form/heal and so they have to take these precautions. It is so hard to see her like this but we try to remember is to help her and to help the trach get "set" where it can form and heal.
We are so humbled and amazed to be able to meet her and to know she is our precious gift from God. She is so beautiful. I just look at her and am truly honored and thankful for this experience...a miracle from God. We go visit her regularly but it is usually a hard visit. We are so thankful to see her there and to here the good reports. I see her little hands and feet restrained though and it hurts me. I want to talk to her, touch her, sing to her, read her verse in Psalms to her but it seems to get her worked up. I tried to sing to her and she started squriming and turning red and trying to cry...the thought of her struggling broke my heart. Spencer tried to talk to her and she just eyed him and squirmed to try to get to him and got so worked up. We just want her to know we are here and we love her and that we haven't just left her all alone. But then she gets so stimulated and stirred up...exactly what the doctors don't recommend. So, it has been very emotional. I try to go and just look at her and pray her verse in Psalm 139 over her...usually with sobs and tears streaming down my face.
We are trying to just be thankful we can see her and pray over her. We know God has placed amazing doctors and nurses around her. We know our prayers as well as many others on her behalf are being lifted up. We are trying take it day by day and to celebrate all of the blessings along the way. We cannot thank you enough for the prayers and support for us and Selah...thank you! I have definitely had some prayers this week that have been just silent...just quiet before God, resting in knowing he hears my heart and resting in knowing so many are speaking those words I don't have for us...thank you!
She is being closely monitored in the NICU here at UMC. She, as well as us, have been surrounded with a team of compassionate and knowledgeable nurses, doctors, etc. We are truly grateful and know yet again it is an indication of God's mighty hand at work. She was moved off the vetilator today and the CPAP (continuous postive air pressure) machine was connected to her trach. So she this is allowing her to breathe a little more on her own. Her oxygen levels and heart rate are staying good. She does have her hands and feet restrained to keep her from getting to the tracheostomy site and causing damage. She is also being given a sedative to try to help her rest and keep her from getting too stimulated. They want the trach site to form/heal and so they have to take these precautions. It is so hard to see her like this but we try to remember is to help her and to help the trach get "set" where it can form and heal.
We are so humbled and amazed to be able to meet her and to know she is our precious gift from God. She is so beautiful. I just look at her and am truly honored and thankful for this experience...a miracle from God. We go visit her regularly but it is usually a hard visit. We are so thankful to see her there and to here the good reports. I see her little hands and feet restrained though and it hurts me. I want to talk to her, touch her, sing to her, read her verse in Psalms to her but it seems to get her worked up. I tried to sing to her and she started squriming and turning red and trying to cry...the thought of her struggling broke my heart. Spencer tried to talk to her and she just eyed him and squirmed to try to get to him and got so worked up. We just want her to know we are here and we love her and that we haven't just left her all alone. But then she gets so stimulated and stirred up...exactly what the doctors don't recommend. So, it has been very emotional. I try to go and just look at her and pray her verse in Psalm 139 over her...usually with sobs and tears streaming down my face.
We are trying to just be thankful we can see her and pray over her. We know God has placed amazing doctors and nurses around her. We know our prayers as well as many others on her behalf are being lifted up. We are trying take it day by day and to celebrate all of the blessings along the way. We cannot thank you enough for the prayers and support for us and Selah...thank you! I have definitely had some prayers this week that have been just silent...just quiet before God, resting in knowing he hears my heart and resting in knowing so many are speaking those words I don't have for us...thank you!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Jackson...here we come!!!
Well, we head to Jackson tomorrow to stay the night and go for the delivery of Selah on Monday! We are not sure what to expect...excited but nervous. We are just praying that it is evident God's hand is at work. I have had some anxiety about the uncertainty but I am trying to get rid of those thoughts. I had a friend share some scripture with me not long ago and God spoke to me about our story through it. It is in 2 Chronicles 20:1-30. Now I am going to try to give a recap on what is happening and then how God related to our situation....bear with me. :) You really need to check out the scripture yourself though...I don't do it justice!
It has Jehoshaphat as the leading man. Because his name is not so fun to spell I am going to refer to him as J. from here on out. So we have J. finding out that a "vast army" is coming to attack him, his people, and his land. Now as I read and thought about it, the situation seems similar to ours. Here J. is with this news that probably intimidates him, makes him feel helpless, worries him, and he has uncertainty that he is facing. He doesn't know what to do. Yet, he seeks God...actually scripture says he "resolved to inquire of the Lord." I am sure being human and all that he did fret a bit and have his moment, but he also looked to God and realized he didn't have the power or control and he called on the Lord's name. He resolved to not let his human tendencies, the fear, etc. consume him or his reactions and he looked to God. J. cries out to God, "...we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." (20:12) The scripture then tells us that God answered J. and that God instructed him, taught him, counseled him and his people. God told J. that the "battle" was not his to fight and that what he needed to do was to trust and obey. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your position, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you." (20:17) J. and his people did obey and God's hand at work was evident. God's power, purpose, and glory took center stage...not anything of J. Scripture also tells us that after the victory in battle that J. and his people were able to acquire so much plunder that they couldn't carry it all away at once...an abundance. (20:25)
So, how does all this relate to our story...let me try to relay it. As I read it, God spoke and pointed out how relevant it is to what we are going through. Just as J. faced a "vast army," we face a situation that seems so "vast" and full of uncertainty. Just as he probably felt intimidated, helpless, hopeless, we are trying to put aside the same feelings. We, as J. did, want to look to God and not ourselves...with the realization that it is not our strength or power that is sustaining or at work. J. trusted God and obeyed and saw God's mighty hand at work...on his behalf. We are trying to trust God, hope in God, obey God. We have seen and do see that He answers prayers, He speaks and teaches, He provides grace that is enough when that is all we have. God spoke to me that it is not the "vastness" of the situation, the worry, the uncertainty that matters. He spoke to me that it is not our "battle." He spoke to me that it is Him that is in control and it is Him that is working. What He calls Spencer and I to do is to keep praying to Him, to keep looking to Him, to keep trusting in Him, to keep hoping in Him. As we do, He is working and it is His glory, His purpose, His power that is evident.
As we go, we are trying to rest in this and yet "stand firm" in this truth. Just as God was with J., He is with us now. He is with Selah. He is in all of it. At the conclusion of J.'s story, it says that "God had given him rest on every side." (20:30) My prayer for us is that we have that same "rest." Resting not in the fact that it all works out according to our plan or desires but resting in knowing that we are held in God's hand.
Much love to you, thank you for your prayers!!!
It has Jehoshaphat as the leading man. Because his name is not so fun to spell I am going to refer to him as J. from here on out. So we have J. finding out that a "vast army" is coming to attack him, his people, and his land. Now as I read and thought about it, the situation seems similar to ours. Here J. is with this news that probably intimidates him, makes him feel helpless, worries him, and he has uncertainty that he is facing. He doesn't know what to do. Yet, he seeks God...actually scripture says he "resolved to inquire of the Lord." I am sure being human and all that he did fret a bit and have his moment, but he also looked to God and realized he didn't have the power or control and he called on the Lord's name. He resolved to not let his human tendencies, the fear, etc. consume him or his reactions and he looked to God. J. cries out to God, "...we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." (20:12) The scripture then tells us that God answered J. and that God instructed him, taught him, counseled him and his people. God told J. that the "battle" was not his to fight and that what he needed to do was to trust and obey. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your position, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you." (20:17) J. and his people did obey and God's hand at work was evident. God's power, purpose, and glory took center stage...not anything of J. Scripture also tells us that after the victory in battle that J. and his people were able to acquire so much plunder that they couldn't carry it all away at once...an abundance. (20:25)
So, how does all this relate to our story...let me try to relay it. As I read it, God spoke and pointed out how relevant it is to what we are going through. Just as J. faced a "vast army," we face a situation that seems so "vast" and full of uncertainty. Just as he probably felt intimidated, helpless, hopeless, we are trying to put aside the same feelings. We, as J. did, want to look to God and not ourselves...with the realization that it is not our strength or power that is sustaining or at work. J. trusted God and obeyed and saw God's mighty hand at work...on his behalf. We are trying to trust God, hope in God, obey God. We have seen and do see that He answers prayers, He speaks and teaches, He provides grace that is enough when that is all we have. God spoke to me that it is not the "vastness" of the situation, the worry, the uncertainty that matters. He spoke to me that it is not our "battle." He spoke to me that it is Him that is in control and it is Him that is working. What He calls Spencer and I to do is to keep praying to Him, to keep looking to Him, to keep trusting in Him, to keep hoping in Him. As we do, He is working and it is His glory, His purpose, His power that is evident.
As we go, we are trying to rest in this and yet "stand firm" in this truth. Just as God was with J., He is with us now. He is with Selah. He is in all of it. At the conclusion of J.'s story, it says that "God had given him rest on every side." (20:30) My prayer for us is that we have that same "rest." Resting not in the fact that it all works out according to our plan or desires but resting in knowing that we are held in God's hand.
Much love to you, thank you for your prayers!!!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Prayer for Selah
Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
One night a little bit ago I was lying in bed and just crying out to God. I was crying about all the concerns I have about Selah. I was crying about the broken "plans" of a perfectly healthy baby and pregnancy. I was crying about the uncertainty of what is to come. Unspoken questions were whirling through my mind and I was just coming before God, not really speaking just crying out in hopes that he knew all the unspoken fear, hurt, disappointment, and questions. As I spent time before him, he gently led me to this scripture in Psalms. I read it and asked him what he wanted me to learn. He spoke to me that it is his mighty hand that has knit and formed Selah from the beginning. It is his loving hand that is sustaining her life. It is his powerful hand that has ordained her days. So, he knows about all the "concerns" and uncertainty. He knows about what may or may not be "typical." He knows and is aware of all that she has going on and what it may involve. Now I don't understand it all or even like it all. But after reading this scripture and seeking his word, I knew he was reassuring me that not any of it is out of his control. Since that night I have prayed this scripture over Selah each day. I put my hand on my stomach and pray it, claim it, over her out loud so she and myself can hear it. God's word is mighty and alive...truth!
As I have begun to do this and have tried to see that God has formed "all" of her, my prayers for her have transformed...only by his doing. I started out praying for her to not miscarry, for her to live. I have prayed for her to grow, for her to be healthy. As we've found out about possible "concerns" or abnormalities, I have prayed that she would be healed. But with time God has changed my prayers and desires of my heart...I now come before him and ask him to help her to live, to breathe, to swallow, to develop according to his good and his purpose. Not that I don't want her to be completely healthy and happy, no problems, but as I have tried to surrender my will and desires to him, he has helped change my prayers as he is aligning the desires of my heart with his.
In addition to this there is another prayer I have been claiming over her. It came from a song I heard on the radio. I came in one night and heard a song starting. It hit home and was emotional and I raced to turn it off...just didn't want to hear it. Not too long after, I came in again and heard it coming on. As I raced to turn it off, God's gentle voice said "listen." I hesitantly sat down to listen. I'll try to summarize as gracefully as possible :). It was a man singing from a father and mother's perspective. They were pregnant and being told their baby will have certain conditions and won't have a good chance of survival...basically. The man sings from his wife's perspective that she just wants to see her baby, to touch her baby, to hold her baby, to love her baby as long as she can. Of course, tears are streaming down my face...tears of healing though. These are desires of my heart that have been unspoken but are so real. As I listened, I knew God was reassuring me that he knows these desires and he just wanted to remind me. He taught me that I need to speak these desires out loud to him, to claim them. So, after this I have also began to pray with hope and confidence that we will continue to experience God's hand on this pregnancy and that we will get to meet Selah, to hold her, to touch her, and to love her as long as we can...in God's grace.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
One night a little bit ago I was lying in bed and just crying out to God. I was crying about all the concerns I have about Selah. I was crying about the broken "plans" of a perfectly healthy baby and pregnancy. I was crying about the uncertainty of what is to come. Unspoken questions were whirling through my mind and I was just coming before God, not really speaking just crying out in hopes that he knew all the unspoken fear, hurt, disappointment, and questions. As I spent time before him, he gently led me to this scripture in Psalms. I read it and asked him what he wanted me to learn. He spoke to me that it is his mighty hand that has knit and formed Selah from the beginning. It is his loving hand that is sustaining her life. It is his powerful hand that has ordained her days. So, he knows about all the "concerns" and uncertainty. He knows about what may or may not be "typical." He knows and is aware of all that she has going on and what it may involve. Now I don't understand it all or even like it all. But after reading this scripture and seeking his word, I knew he was reassuring me that not any of it is out of his control. Since that night I have prayed this scripture over Selah each day. I put my hand on my stomach and pray it, claim it, over her out loud so she and myself can hear it. God's word is mighty and alive...truth!
As I have begun to do this and have tried to see that God has formed "all" of her, my prayers for her have transformed...only by his doing. I started out praying for her to not miscarry, for her to live. I have prayed for her to grow, for her to be healthy. As we've found out about possible "concerns" or abnormalities, I have prayed that she would be healed. But with time God has changed my prayers and desires of my heart...I now come before him and ask him to help her to live, to breathe, to swallow, to develop according to his good and his purpose. Not that I don't want her to be completely healthy and happy, no problems, but as I have tried to surrender my will and desires to him, he has helped change my prayers as he is aligning the desires of my heart with his.
In addition to this there is another prayer I have been claiming over her. It came from a song I heard on the radio. I came in one night and heard a song starting. It hit home and was emotional and I raced to turn it off...just didn't want to hear it. Not too long after, I came in again and heard it coming on. As I raced to turn it off, God's gentle voice said "listen." I hesitantly sat down to listen. I'll try to summarize as gracefully as possible :). It was a man singing from a father and mother's perspective. They were pregnant and being told their baby will have certain conditions and won't have a good chance of survival...basically. The man sings from his wife's perspective that she just wants to see her baby, to touch her baby, to hold her baby, to love her baby as long as she can. Of course, tears are streaming down my face...tears of healing though. These are desires of my heart that have been unspoken but are so real. As I listened, I knew God was reassuring me that he knows these desires and he just wanted to remind me. He taught me that I need to speak these desires out loud to him, to claim them. So, after this I have also began to pray with hope and confidence that we will continue to experience God's hand on this pregnancy and that we will get to meet Selah, to hold her, to touch her, and to love her as long as we can...in God's grace.
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