Sunday, January 29, 2012

Happy New Year...Belated

I know I am way behind in wishing you a Happy New's still January though so...what the heck...hope your 2012 year is off to a blessed start. I can't believe it's the end of January and even more so, that it's 2012. I can remember when the year 2000 seemed so far in the future. I've always heard, and the older I get, the more I realize that time really does fly and life really is short. I
I hear each week it seems of someone that has recently found out they have a terminal illness, or someone doesn't survive an illness they've been battling, or someone young loses their life in a tragedy...and I could go on. I don't intend to dwell on negative. I only mean that these situations are ones I've seen within the past week and they just remind me of what I mentioned is so short and not guaranteed. Our pastor spoke a message at the first of January about, time, cherishing each moment and to live like this is our last day, our last year. He mentioned living intentionally and with a purpose.
I don't know if you're like me but I struggle with this. I get caught up it the immediate circumstance, feelings, exhaustion, etc, and I lose focus and intention SO easily. I recently read about having a main goal or focus for each day to try to prevent getting weighed down by all the other minor things during the day...I'll try to explain...each morning I try to pray and ask God what my goal or focus needs to be for that day. He often speaks or leads me, here recently, in "living kindly, or speaking wisely, or living compassionately" for that day. So, I try to keep that in mind throughout the day and to pray throughout the day that I can live this, respond in this manner, and embrace that goal and focus intentionally. I fully intend to embrace that focus or goal that day and you better believe opportunities arise for me to "practice" and obey. I still find myself failing at it and being less than successful...multiple times a day. It also seems as the day goes on that I get more distracted by other stuff and lose focus. I am so thankful for God's grace though and that He does continue to teach...if only I listen and obey.
On another note...update on us and Selah...
She is almost 10 months! We are so thankful she is staying healthy. She has been fighting off a cold this week but thankfully isn't feeling too bad. She is sitting up by herself now and is more independent each day...she gets that honest. She is tolerating tummy time a little better but doesn't love it. We are working on rolling over but she still has to have assistance with it. She really enjoys books and is turning the pages by herself...for the most part. She is a happy girl...unless she is tired. I am so honored to be home with her and to watch her grow. I am in awe of those sweet eyes that look at me and her sweet smile...truly treasure this! She has a head CT scan scheduled at UMC in early February. We met with the new the team that would perform the jaw UMC and he ordered the CT so he can get some updated and detailed images of her jaw, etc. She will have to be sedated for the scan so I'm not too excited about that. After he gets the images we will meet with him again and discuss his recommendations, a timeline, etc. We will decide after that if UMC is where we will pursue the surgery or not.
We've been so blessed to be home with her and to have her enjoy being here. The thought of her having to be in the hospital, even for just the scan, makes me tear up. I have emotions of heartache, helplessness, and longing that just surface. I guess just from being so thankful to be home and not wanting to have to go back to the hospital. I'm reminded I guess of the surgeries that will lie ahead for her...I think I just put them out of my mind. I have easily thought I've regained "control" over everything and have gotten back in a comfort zone. I mean...we're home, she's healthy, we're enjoying these sweet moments...we've got this...let's not mess with what goes through my head. I find myself not wanting anything to change and certainly not having to consider surgeries, hospital stays, pain for her. This is where I go to playing tug of war with God...struggling with what I think I have control over. He reminds me again though that I don't...probably for the best, but it's SO hard. Time and again I seem to think I can figure it out better or if we did it a way that fits according to my understanding and my plan than it would just go "better."
God is reminding me though that I need to "cease striving" (Psalm 46:10) and to just give it to Him...loosen the grip...or illusion of control I think I have. He reminds me to look back at this time last year...the uncertainty (at least to me) and the circumstances...and how He has worked, how He has provided, how He has He brought a miracle beyond anything I can ask or imagine.  He reminds me to take today and to let Him purge me of all the worry, sense of control, frustration, fear, etc and to just trust, to hope, to cherish today. I do know He is faithful and I just try to rest in that. I hope and pray that in whatever you have going on, you can find God's peace and the truth that He is there.
 I do also appreciate your continued support and prayers for us. I've not done well in updating the blog. I've let distractions keep me from it and I am going to try to make it more of a priority. I am honored that I can share our story and about the Heavenly Father I know and what a priveledge it is to live in His grace. I had a sweet friend remind me this week that she checks the blog...a reminder that I need to update this one was for you Jenna :).
Thank you for sharing in this journey with us...much love to you all!