Hi, hope all is well with ya'll. We're good. Glad to be home and trying to get back into a routine. We're just trying to keep Selah healthy and enjoy this time with her. She's good, growing and becoming more curious everyday. We do appreciate your continued prayers and support...thank you!
This post has been on my heart for a little while now. I've debated on sharing it and thought of a lot of different reasons and excuses not to. But, God has persistently been leading me to share it. Again, He reminds me it's not my understanding of it that matters really...more obedience to Him in faith and trust. So, here we go :)...
I've shared in previous post about some of our story and the hurts in it...they will always be a part of me...thankfully there is also God's healing and grace...for all of it. As time has gone by, I've met people and made friends that have some part of their story that makes them able to relate to mine. It's amazing how God works and brings others alongside you...little do we know what He is up to. In sharing this I do not intend anything but to share that along the way I've encountered so many different people and situations...specific to the longing to be a family, to have that heart's desire..to be a mom. Although this is more specific to children and family, it's still relative to having desires and what seem to be unanswered prayers and questions...I hope :).
I just wanted to share a few stories...briefly and in confidence...
I have an amazing friend who longs to be a mom and yet time and again only faces the disappointment of that heart's desire being unfufilled...the "why" still lingers. Another friend, who for so long didn't believe that her prayers would ever be answered, celebrates her precious miracle. I have another friend that has experienced the heartache of miscarriages and loss and yet now has a beautiful family...her heart's desire...but still the sting of the past hurts remains. I have a precious friend that has experienced the hurt of miscarriage and yet is now trying so hard to not let the past hurt, fear, and uncertainty consume and steal the joy of this pregnancy. There's another sweet friend who in faith walks and trust in God's providence...not in her own understanding. There's some precious friends who seem to only know blessings in their story...thankfully not the heartbreak and loss. And yet there are some friends who still feel like the past hurts are too raw and too real...to try again...to go back to the pain...if it happens again.
In all of these stories I know and claim that God is there. I know in my story He is here. At times I question and at times I wonder but I know He is here. So, with this I share and pray that you or someone you can share this with will be blessed, encouraged, and reassured that God hears...God answers...in His timing and in His ways...this is in rememberance of my story, of my precious friends' stories, of your story...
God led me in writing this...little did I know as a way of healing...
"Prayer From The Heart"...2009
God, thank you that you are a Heavenly Father who cares for us. Thank you that you are a God of hope and healing and a God of comfort and peace. I thank you for your grace and for the blessing of knowing you.
Lord, you are creator of all and everything comes from your hands. Father, I come before you knowing that you care for me. I approach you knowing that your love for me guarantees that your plan and purpose for me are for good.
Father, I also come before you broken, hurting, disappointed, and empty. God, you are the giver of life and joy but it is too hard to see right now. The emotions, hurt, anger, sadness, and questions are consuming me. God, the desire to be a mom and my shattered dreams are so real. God, I don't understand how this can be, God I can't do this.
I know you, I serve you, and I love you. I am capable and willing to be a loving mom. Spencer would be an amazing father. We are willing to provide a loving home for a child. I have a desire to be a mom. So, God how can this be? God, these questions and so many more resonate in my heart and mind.
God, if I am unable to have a child then will this desire and longing ever go away? God, will I always have a sting in my heart and just want to cry when I hear of someone finding out their pregnant or talking about hearing a heartbeat at their ultrasound? Will this feeling of the walls closing in on me when I am surrounded by moms-to-be and new moms ever stop? Will passing the ultrasound room where the hurt originated ever be less painful? Will I always dread going to my doctor's office because of the abundance of pregnant ladies or new moms? God, will I ever want to hold a baby again? God, will this always hurt so much?
God, I know it isn't anyone's fault but it's not my fault for feeling this way. I don't know how to go back to how I was before...the miscarriages. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to let you heal me. Please help me...
"God's Response"...He spoke to me...
My child, this is part of healing. You have to acknowledge your feelings, your pain, your questions. I know you are hurting. I know you don't understand, but I do. I understand what it is to lose a child. My one and only son was given to death...but not eternally. He lives again, and this was done for you and for your child. Your child is not lost, for you will see them again, hear their heartbeat again, hold them...not in your time but in mine. It is okay to feel the sadness, anger, hurt, and disappointment. It is okay to feel a longing for a child. It is okay to have questions. Be gentle with yourself and let me heal you. I have never left you and I never will. I love you, I delight in you, and call you by name. My plans for you are for good and hope. Even though you don't understand, rest in my grace. As you rest in me, your child and desires rest with me. Yet again, you will meet and what a joyous and tender moment it will be. For now, my love, which surpasses all understanding, will hold you and carry you through...Love, God
God's promises in His word...He led me to...
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown." Isaiah 43:2
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trust in Him and I am helped." Psalm 28:7
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
Much love to you...I pray you know God's hand over you, holding you, reaching out to you...He is there...:)